When Everything Is Falling Apart...
If you saw me writing this from a distance, you might be able to see actual smoke coming out of my ears. Literally. I am fuming angry at the moment, and the only person I am mad at is myself.
Today didn’t go as planned - at all. Not even in the slightest. Sure I was able to log a few hours worth of studying, but besides that, I drove to the wrong city, picked the only coffee shop that didn’t have wifi and then was flooded by a what seems like a family reunion of people screaming at each other from across the cafe.
So I picked up and left. And after the morning I’ve had, I was surprised I was able to find my parked car. I struggle with directions - big time. I like to think that it’s because my head is always up in the clouds, but my dad doesn’t believe that for a second ;)
Anyways, back to the story. Every month I have what I like to call a “shit shower.” Don’t jump to conclusions, it’s not what you think. It’s a metaphor for when one thing goes when, it’s a terrential downpour of other shitty events that unfold following the first one. I know I’m not the only one who faces this struggle and that we have these days where we question EVERYTHING. I second guess every decision I make out of fear of being judged and ridiculed. I worry about embarrassing my friends and even worse, my parents. I worry that I am going to fall flat on my ass, fail and end up having to settle. Take that whichever way you want, but basically what I am trying to say is that I fear failure. Failing to live, failing to try, failing to brave new adventures - failing in general. Everyone worries about failing, but it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It means we genuinely care about whatever it is that scares us. Be it a business, family, relationship or adventure - if it doesn’t scare you, you haven’t set your goal big enough.
The point of this post wasn’t supposed to be about everything that went wrong in my morning, which by the way were all minor - I’m still breathing right? It was supposed to show you that even the happiest of people, who you always see with a smile on their face, struggle too. I’m tired of seeing Pinterest perfect pictures of our lives scattered all over the Facebook and Instagram of everyone’s life changing moments. I’m exhausted from comparing my life to theirs and then expending what little energy I have left wondering why my life doesn’t look the same. We could spend this time going through all the “what if’s.” - what if I chose a different career? A different partner? A different friend group? A different life? What if? I hate those two words. by themselves they hold absolutely no power, together they can propel you into a downward spiral that leaves you second guessing every decision you have ever made.
I struggle with regrets and wish that I could also rewind time and save myself the pain, the struggle and mistakes, but I also want to remind you that they have shaped you into the beautiful being that you are today. Those past relationships that brought out your every insecurity, they taught you that you are worthy of someone who loves your quirks and uniqueness. Your past jobs and bosses you hated working for, they helped you discover your passion and taught you that you are valuable and contribute in ways greater than you could ever know. Your old friends, they were the exact people that you needed to be surrounded by during that season of your life. We haven’t made mistakes, we have experienced lessons. Our lessons are our greatest teachers, because we never repeat these old habits that drain us leave us feeling worthless and empty.
What if I told you that you are exactly where you need to be, with whoever you need to be with and you are the person that the world needs you to be. You are the loyal friend, the worrisome mother, the dedicated wife, the hardworking employee or the girl boss - whoever you might be, you are exactly where you need to be. Please, not even for a moment, second guess how amazing you are. You sister are changing the world, one smile, one friendship, one amazing kiddo and contribution at at time. You are taking the steps to work towards your goals, to show up even on the days that you want to crawl back under a rock. You’re showing up on the tough days and choosing to shine even the someone tries to cast some of their darkness over you. You are choosing to step into the person that you know you are meant to be in order to serve and to leave a legacy. You are doing the tough, scary stuff. You are taking every challenge and curveball life is throwing at you in stride and moving forward anyways. You, my sweet sweet friend are inspiring. And whatever you believe to be true about yourself right at this very minute, pause and step back. Look at all of the goodness you have created around you. Friendships, homes, a family, a business you love - all of it. Look at the amazing trail you have blazed gorgeous.
So when we have these “shit showers” as I like to call them, it’s important to remember that none of it is real. Not a single sliver of the worrisome thoughts that we think about being enough, being worthy of love, money or success is true. None of it. Everything that is happening, is happening FOR you, not to you. I’m sorry if you don’t like that the Universe is pushing you out of your comfort zone and forcing you to grow before you think you’re ready. I’m sorry that the man of your dreams broke your heart into a million pieces so that they gentleman on the other side of the world (who you haven’t met yet) can pick them up and delicately piece it back together and hold you close to his heart. I’m sorry your childhood wasn’t from a Hallmark movie and you faced hardships that many of us couldn’t fathom. But you’re here, in this exact moment with every opportunity available to you just waiting to be explored.
You are enough. You have always been enough. And you will forever be enough.
Now go out there and shine <3